[Culturechat] Hostess Gifts -- and cultural cross wires!

[Marilee Taussig]

The recent thread about Hostess Gifts on Idyllchat got me thinking about 
what a gift means, and how meanings vary so widely between cultures.

Since this is Culturechat (whose postings are never as numerous as the 
fascinating subject of culture  deserves), I thought I would add to the 
conversation by sharing an anecdote about gift-giving and crossed signals.

  Many years ago, (think late 70's, early 80's) when Idyll was just 
beginning, another Swiss connection existed in the Taussig family.  My 
brother (Hal Taussig, Jr.) is a Methodist minister, and through our many 
Swiss acquaintances, an internship program was set up whereby young Swiss 
people came and worked for a year as volunteer interns at his inner-city 
Philadelphia church.  I was young and single and also attended this church 
in West Philly.  Over the years many of these Swiss interns became (and are 
still) my dear friends.

As it has been mentioned in Idyllchat, the custom of a guest bringing a 
gift to his host is a strong one in Switzerland. They always bring a gift 
when they are invited someplace.   Back then, upon their arrival in the 
States, I would regularly invited these young interns over for dinner (I 
shared a big house in West Philly with other young people/college student 
types). The Swiss were new, in need of company and I was pretty sure (due 
to my work with Idyll) that I was the only person in the neighborhood who 
spoke Swiss German....not that it mattered much; their English was always 
way better than my German!)

One young man brought a gift the first time we invited him...which we 
appreciated but thought nothing of it.   But as he continued to accept 
invitations, he continued to bring gifts....often flowers.  Well, in my 
experience, flowers brought from a young man to a young lady on a repeated 
basis often means something a little different than just guest - host 
politeness.  To make a long story short, since I already had a boyfriend at 
the time, I felt it was prudent to diplomatically discourage these clearly 
romantic intentions.

In my attempts to let this young Swiss man down easy, we ended up having 
one of those hilarious, tiptoe-through-a-sensitive 
subject-and-get-your-wires-completely-crossed conversations.

It turned out he had no amorous ambitions whatsoever!  I wasn't his type! 
In his culture, plain old good manners tell you not to show up at someone's 
house who is giving you a free meal, without some token of appreciation in 
your hand. Flowers were the easiest most convenient token he could come by.

You can imagine how awkward it was  -- attempting to discourage 
non-existent romantic aspirations!  Now that I know Swiss culture better, I 
see how both of us were acting perfectly logically.  It was just that I was 
using American code to decipher Swiss gift-giving, and that often leads one 
wa-a-a-y down the wrong track.

Last summer, nearly twenty years later, Peter, the young Swiss man in 
question  brought his wife and two children to visit my family.  (my 
husband and daughter).  I told that story again and we all had a good 
laugh....at our long ago foolishness.  We also toasted to  the joy of 
friendships that last...despite our cultural crosswires.

Back to the  hostess gifts, my experience is that the landlord guest 
relationship for Untourists can be many things...as it should be.  What is 
of particular joy is that some of these connections end up with 20 years of 
friendship and good memories attached to them.(whether or not you brought a 
gift your first time or not!).
Marilee Taussig,
Idyllchat Administrator
=================================================
Untours - Independent Travel With Support!
Tel.: 888-UNTOUR-1    Web: <http://www.untours.com>

Join IdyllChat, an email discussion group on European travel!
Visit: <www.untours.com/idyllchat/>

"Most Generous Company in America, 1999" awarded by Newman's
Own & George magazine. For information on the Idyll Development
Foundation, visit: <www.untours.com/idf>